Three months in and life is good.
There is a part of me that is more happy and at peace than ever before. There is another part of me that is constantly disappointed and frustrated. It feels like the part of me that was frustrated with my gender has just morphed to now be frustrated with the way the world responds to my gender.
Lets start there.
For the first time in a long I have a growing sense of character. I know who I am. But this can be hard to communicate to people who have never struggled with their gender, especially because I don’t fit easily into the gender binary. Even though I feel comfortable with calling myself a trans man now I still strongly identify as non-binary. My full answer to who I am gender wise is, “I am AJ, a non-binary trans man.” That’s too much for most people though.
Depending on my audience I introduce my gender identity differently. Usually in introductions in queer or progressive spaces I just boil it down to “I’m trans” and let them figure out what they think that means. Only in small trans or non-binary specific spaces do I bother to explain the whole thing.
Most of the time moving though the world though, I’m not introducing myself. People see me and they make an assumption of my gender, as we all do in our strongly gendered western society. 99% of the time they gender me as female. “Good morning Ma’am” “Thanks Miss” “Nice Lady” I get these all. the. time. every. single. day.
Twice now someone has greeted me as “Sir” and then “corrected” themselves to “Ma’am.” These interactions give me hope. I’m starting to confuse a few people. Confusion is better than being read as female all the damn time.
This is one of the only negative parts of my transition thus far. Each day being misgendered over and over starts to wear on you. You get tired and frustrated and sometimes I just need to go home and have a really big cry. I think any man walking though the world being called a woman non-stop would feel similarly frustrated. I expect many would react much more angrily in the moment, whereas most of the time I just grimace and move on.
Passing is complicated and problematic, but I would rather be read as a man than a woman if I had to choose. The lack of this out in the world can really get me down.
Let’s move on to the good stuff.
I’m happy. Overall I’m happy and less stressed and less anxious than I was a year ago. All of my close friends get my name right now and most of them get my pronouns correct (they/them). I love this. It makes me feel right inside. There are times people deadname me, and I honestly don’t realize they are talking to me. Changing my name to something not strongly gendered has allowed me to fully explore who I am with less baggage and expectations that come with a strongly gendered name.
I enjoy seeing myself in the mirror (at least above the chest) which is something I’ve never experienced before. I used to look in the mirror and see a stranger, I would stare at them and say “Who are you?” Now I see a boy hitting adolescence, just a bit later than most do and I smile. Even though my cowlicks frustrate me, I enjoy doing my hair. I love getting tips from other guys on how to style it. I have a reason to care for the person in the mirror, I like them. I want to be them. I want to be this version of me.
I need to shave now. I LOVE shaving. It’s one of the single most affirming things I’ve ever done.
My dad died so young I have very few memories of him, none of him shaving. But I remember strongly staying over at my cousin’s house at a young age and watching their dad shave in the morning. I was fascinated. I remember the smell of the shaving cream, the water running, him rinsing the razor and looking closely in the mirror. Now I have enough facial hair to need to do the same every few weeks or look like patchy 14 year old boy (which looks extra weird when you have a large chest ). I’m obsessed with my mustache stubble (the only part that feels like real stubble so far, just give me another year or two) and I’m looking forward to being able to really rock the full stubble look.
I love the way my relationship with my partner has changed. This might be the most wonderful and fulfilling part of it everything so far. She understands what I need better than anyone in the world. She knows when to throw those masculine terms in to just make me perk up and help me feel great. She also understands that most of the time I feel best with neutral terms and pronouns. She just gets it, and the way we interact has changed a lot, for the better. We are constantly checking in with each other about gender stuff, and looking out for each other. We communicate well and affirm each other in new and wonderful ways.
There is something different about the energy I exude now. It just feels very masculine and just… right. I know that sounds woo as shit, but I really don’t know how else to explain it. It’s taken me a long time to allow myself space to feel and express myself in this way becuase its always always felt off limits. The space I inhabit mentally feels like it’s less work now, less of a performance and more natural. I can just be.
More practically speaking (and the question most often asked), is about how I feel physically. Being on Testosterone has made me hungry, horny, hot, and hairy. Also pimply. The acne is getting really bad, but it comes in waves. One week it will be awful and painful and everywhere, and the next week will be mostly ok. From what I understand this will get worse over the coming months, and then, hopefully, slowly better. I have a routine and it seems to be helping, but it’s just part of the process of going through some extra puberty.
I’m so hungry that some days I feel like I can’t stop eating. I’ve definitely gained weight, and gotten larger in both my gut and my shoulders. I’ve gone up a shirt size, but my pants still fit fine. I’m not a gym rat, but I try to do full body strength training at home a few times a week and I went from barely being able to do pushups to doing ten quite easily in a very short while. I’m looking forward to continuing to gain strength and very much looking forward to some fat redistribution, even if it means a bigger belly.
I don’t want to go too deep on the horny part except to say it’s confusing and hard to work though and somehow good all at once. My whole experience of sexuality is shifting so massively despite the fact that I don’t experience much in the way of sexual attraction. It seems like something that’s still evolving rapidly at this point.
I’m hotter. I’m just straight up warmer than I used to be. I’m not in hoodies and shivering all the time. I’m sweating at the skatepark when its 65 degrees, and then I come home to our 70 degree house and it feels like a furnace. I wake up sweaty at night and pull of all my blankets. I’m very worried about summer, as I already don’t do well in heat. I will be getting our pool fixed before any hot days come and probably have the AC on more often!
Lastly, the hair. I already talked about shaving above, but I’ve already got more body hair, and I love it. Every time I get out of the shower I take stock of how much its grown and I revel in it. At least one trans friend of mine is jealous (haha, sorry dude). Lots of trans guys want body hair and struggle to grow it. That’s not gonna be a problem for me, the men in my family tend to be pretty hairy, so it’s in my genes and I can literally see the progress every week. I’m going be a short bear before you know it.
Overall, I’m so happy with where I am and where I am going. There are growing pains along the way, but no real growth comes easily.
My Sexulaity is Evolving!?
Reader be warned, this blog is going to talk about my sexuality, primarily sexual and romantic attraction. Not sex itself.
I got my first crush when I was seven years old. Of course it wasn’t sexual at the time, but I knew my feelings for this boy were different from how I felt about anyone else. I remember writing furiously in my first little diary about him. I cut his picture out of the year book so I could tape it where I could see it everyday.
I loved a boy. I didn’t really talk about it. I didn’t know what to do about it besides try to play with him more at recess and try to get in more group projects with him.
It happened becuase he was nice to me.
I have been bullied for as long as I can remember. Sometimes worse than other times. I went to a new school in 2nd grade after a poor experience in our local public school. In our class our seats were arranged by our last name, and this kid happened to sit next to me because of our last names. He turned out to be a very kind person. He never made fun of me for my height or gender or lack of fine motor skills or anything. He never made fun of me.
I don’t remember a lot of specifics from that young of an age. I do remember he was nice to me and part way through the school year it made me get new big feelings. I had heard enough about crushes to know that’s what this was. But I also knew I didn’t want to like… kiss anyone yet.
This crush lasted on and off for about seven years. It was my only grade school and junior high crush.
Because our school was small we were with the same kids all the way through 8th grade. So he and I were in the same class and same classroom, often next to each other becuase of the ongoing last name organizational system for years. And he was always nice to me.
We were friends all those years, and as we got older even did very typical Jr. high things like go to McDonalds together and see movies. But they were never dates. Even though in my heart all I wanted was for them to be dates. I’m not sure how much I told him, I was very scared to share any intimate feelings at that age. I don’t know if he knew or if he knew and wasn’t interested. Either way he stayed kind.
We went to the same high school for one year, but that was the same year my heart found its next crush.
This boy also sat next to me at school. We had our last class of the day together our freshman year. I already knew him from the skatepark. We would often sleep though our last class and then go skate after school, catching a ride from his brother or my mom to a skate spot for the afternoon.
It really didn’t take long for me to fall for this boy. But it was clear that once again that the interest wasn’t mutual and I had to fight down those feelings for fear of losing my only good friend in my new scary high school. This was the worst year of bullying in all my schooling and I had drifted away from most of my friends from 8th grade in this new school, leaving me vulnerable.
After that year I again switched schools, starting at the local public high school for my sophomore year.
I still hung out with the boy from freshman year all the time, and my heart still crushed on him pretty hard, until my junior year when I became closer with a kid who I had met though our school music program. This kid was a year younger than me than me, but we had become very good friends and eventually I realized I liked them more than a friend as well.
My heart had moved on to its next love, who happened to be my new best friend. All three crushes had been best friends at some point before becoming crushes.
Throughout all these years average teens were a mystery to me. They seemed to have actual crushes on celebrities and people they barely knew. They were attracted to people just by looking at them. I literally could not understand this. I had never experienced this. I had only fallen for best friends.
The third crush was my last for a very long time. We started dating my senior year and got married a few years later. We are still together. I married my third crush, the first one to return my romantic feelings.
My fourth crush didn’t come until more than a decade after the third one. I literally felt no romantic or sexual attraction to anyone except my partner for over ten years. And then I found a new best friend.
We had known each other for a while, but eventually we started hanging out together late at night smoking weed and just talking for hours. After a few weeks of this, I fell hard. I hadn’t experienced a crush in so long that it was all consuming and wrecked me.
It was hard on my marriage but ultimately something that forced us to talk about a lot of things that had been previously “off limits” due to our time spent within conservative Christianity. The experience helped us grow as a couple and stay close to the person I was crushing on. He’s still one of our best friends, and his new partner has also become one of our closest friends!
A few years ago I discovered the term “Demisexual”, which describes a sexuality in which you only develop sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional bond with a person. When I learned what it meant I immediately identified with it. Read more about demisexulaity here. I used this term for myself for the past few years, but now I’m not really sure anymore.
It turns out as I’m figuring out my gender my experience of attraction is changing dramatically.
For the first time I’m finding myself attracted to seemingly random people. I’m getting these weird small crushes, and they are entirely on queer people, or people I am close with. People whose gender is hard to figure out are the ones I’m most likely to fall for. I wasn’t exposed to a lot of genderqueer people until very recently.
It’s taking me by surprise.
I’ve never experienced life like this. Just seeing a random person at a bar and thinking “Oh they are cute, I would totally be into them.” Having a friend get flirty with me and not only feeling anxious, but also feeling somewhat into it. Its all new and weird.
Looking back it turns out all my crushes except crush number 2 are openly queer in some way. Number 1 came out as gay at some point and I found out when I found him on facebook years later. Number 3 is my trans partner who wrote an entire album about her bisexuality. Number 4 recently told me he’s bi.
There’s something about queer people I guess. And now that I’m more comfortable in my body and my identity than I’ve ever been I’m finding myself attracted to people in various ways all the time! It’s really wild. But overall it’s good.
I’ve always understood sexuality as fluid intellectually, but now I’ve experienced it first hand. Sexuality can change and evolve! It can catch us off guard, it can overwhelm us with feelings. It can be a gift and seemingly a curse at times, but I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for healthy intimate relationships of all types. I’m happy to have so many in my life both past and present. I’m extremely thankful for those boys who befriended me and protected me as a young person who was so often bullied.
I once heard it said “Once you love someone you love them forever” and with those four big crushes I have I found that true. Even if I’m not close to them today, my heart will always have a special place for them.
