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Depression

The last few weeks I’ve been struggling really hard with depression.

The last two days… I’ve suddenly felt a lot better. So now, I have an even clearer view on just how deep I was.

It was bad. And the worst part is that I know it will come back. It might be tomorrow or in a week. If I’m lucky it will be years. But most likely sooner than later, because the biggest stressors that led to this most recent bout aren’t going away.

There is still a pandemic. It is the worst it’s ever been.

My business is still mostly closed. I can’t host sessions, or classes, or lessons. The things I designed my business to do and the things that make us the most money.

Luckily I do have the retail side of the shop and I’ve really bulked it up since March when we closed the first time.

This pandemic has really stretched my problem solving skills.

But you can only problem solve yourself so far.

A week or two ago I was agonizing over the fact that I couldn’t come up with the perfect plan to make up that lost income. I couldn’t figure out a way to hold outside sessions, or a venue to do lessons. I just couldn’t problem solve my way out of it. That was one of the biggest things that pushed me deeper into a place where I felt hopeless and I mostly shut down.

I’ve had moments of suicide ideation over the past few weeks. I’ve never been in any danger. I know how to handle it well enough when it comes and when it’s bad enough to get help.

The fact that it happened at all was scary and alarming though. I don’t think I’ve felt that since before I went on testosterone.

I’ve been scared to write about this or even talk about it for fear that people would think my depression is transition related. I don’t want people to think that it is becuase I’m on HRT or becuase I had surgery.

My transition is one of my greatest sources of joy! But that joy can’t out weight the heaviness of nine months of pandemic.

The only reason I am still in my home is thanks to our loan companies generous forbearance program. The only reason we have most of our bills paid (not all) and have food on the table is thanks the the generosity of friends and various aid programs.

Christmas time has brought out even more generosity in our friends and family and that has helped lighten the load on my shoulders.

Today a friend was able to give me the exact gift my son asked for this Christmas. The only thing he named which would have cost me over $100, she had in her basement and was ready to pass on.

Several friends have sent us money this month, from very small amounts to larger amounts and I greatly appreciate every dollar.

The other night frozen pizzas, soda, and a salad appeared on our doorstep.

These acts of community have lifted me out of my slump.

I also upped my dose of testosterone a bit this week after my 1 year results came back on the very low end of normal. I am absolutely sure that has played a role in my feeling better.

The reasons both for becoming depressed and for coming out of it are complex and impossible to know completely, but I know the pandemic is the largest contributor.

If you read this and you live in the US, please, stay home this holiday season. If you must see other people keep it close to home, keep it small, keep it masked.

Our lives are in your hands, and all gatherings are dangerous right now.

We can do this. We can stay home this Christmas so more people can live to see another year. Vaccines are coming. We just need a few more months to get them rolled out. Stay strong and stay home.

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International Women’s Day

One year ago I made a post celebrating my “women owned business.” We were just over one month away from the grand opening and working like crazy to finish the build. It was just one short month after the opening that I had my gender crisis™️.

Owning a business slowed down my coming out pretty significantly. I realized I was “Not-cis” so quickly after I opened the business. I had been on TV and in the paper and met hundreds of people in person how could they now possibly learn that I’m not who I just said I was.

I tried to just not come out for several months. It didn’t work. I was starting to loose it a little bit being one person at home and another at work/in public. I needed to be fully me.

Here we are a year later and I’m fully out. Lots of people still don’t really know or if they do they don’t get it. Most people still see me as a women. I’m not.

Upon my gender crisis™️ last May the first thing I knew for sure was I was definitely not a cis woman. I wasn’t sure what I was, but I knew what I wasn’t. I very quickly started using they/them pronouns and I still use them today.

This year’s international women’s day was hard. I didn’t feel right hanging out with my skater friends at an international women’s day event. I didn’t feel right at all. I was exhausted physically from a big event yesterday, and exhausted emotionally from being misgendered about 1000 times at the event. Then just add some sensory overload to all that from the same event and you’ve got a big mess.

After an early morning at work I was home at 2pm and spent nearly three hours in bed on and off napping. I woke up just feeling the weight of not fitting in.

I don’t fit in with men. I don’t fit in with women. I just don’t fit. I never have.

I’ve come to terms with my identity as a non-binary trans man, and I’m totally open to that identity potentially changing or evolving in the future, but it feels like no one else has accepted that’s who I am. People don’t do much to acknowledge it. Only those in my inner circle get my pronouns/titles correct. Most people still call me she/mom/wife.

Today, fortunately, is the day of the week my wonderful non-binary support group meets. I was able to be heard about how hard today is and have some people empathize with me in these feelings. I’ve also spent some time texting with some really supportive folks, some who have experienced transition themselves.

I needed that reminder that I am not alone. There are other people who this is their first year realizing they aren’t a women. Or maybe their relationship to womanhood has changed. Maybe this is the first year they are celebrating being a women, as is the case for my partner.

Today is not bad, it’s just complicated. I have a complicated past with womanhood and a lot of baggage to work though still. Gender is hard and I’m here for the ride.

Next year should be a whole lot easier.

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Most Days

Today I feel normal. Or at least what I think is normal. I didn’t feel bad. Well, actually I started the day feeling quite anxious, but then I had a good conversation with an insurance agent (right?) and went on a long walk with my husband and then I just felt like, kinda good.

I feel like my executive function is better than most days, though still quite scattered, and I just feel happy. I enjoyed having friends over somewhat unexpectedly tonight. It was nice. I cleaned the living room and kitchen and didn’t resent it or have to use all my effort to force myself to do it. I just knew it needed to be done, so I just did it and it was even a bit enjoyable.

I feel like I have the space to breath and be introspective for the first time in….months. I’ve been going so hard and my mental health has not been good. I took some time off work for Christmas, 4 whole days in a row that I didn’t work. It was amazing. But it wasn’t until now, a week later, that I started to feel lighter, more whole, able to work on things other than survival.

Being working poor is fucking awful. It really is. It’s so hard to struggle every week to just barely get by, everything else falls away except work work work. You find meaningful moments here and there to connect with your spouse and your child, but there is no room for so much of what makes life worth living, because you can’t afford to not work on the weekends. 2018 was a fucking slog. It was really hard.

The skatepark was a roller coaster and still is. I wish I was certain about that spring opening date, but that easily could get pushed back again. There was a time I was certain we would be open in October, then it became December, then January, now I’m cautiously optimistic for April.

I’m constantly scared I’m doing too much, or too little regarding Stronger. But I’m constantly aiming at a moving target.

Delivery driving is now the longest single job I’ve ever held, well over 2 years now. It was never supposed to be this way. It’s not a terrible job, that’s why I keep doing it, but it’s not terribly rewarding either and some days can be quite stressful with traffic and parking and restaurants running behind.  

Again, I’m struck by how clear-headed I am today. It’s just so abnormal that it makes me grieve the 99% of days that I don’t feel like this. The last time I kind of felt like this was when I took that long hard walk in Ladd’s Addition, but it didn’t last, it was just during the walk and directly afterwards that I felt so clear.

For some reason I was feeling good tonight that I put on Carrie and Lowell. “The Only Thing” just started and it’s so much closer to how I usually feel. “The only thing that keeps me from cutting my arm….” is often much closer to how I feel. I’ve never been a cutter. I self harm in other ways. I’ve even felt like a failure at harming myself, because I don’t “do it right.” I smack myself in the head or the face, sometimes hard, sometimes over and over. I bite myself. I pinch myself. I bash my head on the wall. I don’t do these things often, but when things get too hard it’s all there is left. My brain shuts down, or gets caught on one negative word or statement, “BAD BAD BAD”, “HATE HATE HATE” and doesn’t go away until I go through the cycle of a full meltdown.

That didn’t happen today.

Today I got up, played an hour of “Pokemon: Let’s Go Eevee” while I waited till I could eat. Then I made tea and bacon, realized I needed some carbs with the bacon and had a piece of chocolate (made toast for my child, forgot I actually had some GF bread around, because I usually don’t). I was getting ready to do some yoga when I got a text from a friend saying her son wanted to play with my son. My son had asked just a few minutes earlier if he could play with said friend, so I changed my plans and took him over. When I got home I had the phone call that I had been anxiously awaiting, they have a quote for insurance for me! Excellent!

I asked Ace if he wanted to go on a walk and he said yes so we went on a long slow walk that eventually had us up on Woodstock where we made a few quick stops before walking home. We bought tamales from a man on the street and they were amazingly good. When I got home I quickly cleaned the living room, still covered in confetti from New Years Eve, wanting to get it done before the kids came to my house. I picked up my son and his friend and made plans to hang out with the friend’s mom later that night. We got back to the house and I cleaned the kitchen and got a text from another friend saying he was in the neighborhood with his girlfriend and I told them to come on by.

I was able to clean the kitchen, make myself dinner, make dinner for my family, and eat, all before anyone showed up. I hung out and socialized, mostly successfully, and just enjoyed being around other people. At one point I caught myself making the conversation about myself, after I had asked my friend to tell me her story, I stopped, and didn’t beat myself up too much about it. Friends left and I rushed to get Mark to bed. He freaked out because his bunny was missing, and I calmly helped him find it.

Then I did some laundry and turned on some music, got some wine, and sat down to write. Something I’ve barely done over the past two months.

Today was just so beautifully normal, and I felt so wonderfully sane and happy.

I need days like this, and I’m not entirely sure how to get them. They come at a financial cost, which can weigh heavily on my mental health at times.

I’m debating if this is worthy or ok to post on my blog. Is it too real? That’s the only way I know how to write. It’s the only way WORTH writing.

I haven’t blogged in a long time because someone was hurt by one of my posts. Hurt is too strong a word, they were made slightly uncomfortable, and they brought it to me.

It was hard because it was over a post I was extremely proud of. I took it down. I haven’t had the strength to go back and look at it. I don’t know how to make the changes I need to to make everyone comfortable. I don’t know how to change the way I experience things for writing. I write things as I experienced them and that didn’t work, I made someone uncomfortable.

So I stopped writing.

I even stopped journaling.
I told everyone I was fine, it was fine. But I wasn’t fine. But I should be fine. People should be able to tell me those things without me breaking. But I’m already broken it doesn’t take much for those broken parts to fall apart again. This conflict on top of the financial problems, on top of the continued delays for the skatepark just really stopped me dead in my tracks.

Like I said at the top it’s been months, months since I’ve felt normal, since I’ve felt happy for almost an entire day. It’s a foreign feeling. Today I feel safe, connected, peaceful, loved, I feel all these things that I should feel most of the time. I don’t know when I will feel them again. It could be tomorrow and I want so badly for it to be tomorrow. If I felt this way even half of my days I would be a different person. I would be a more whole person, I would be able to do so much more for those around me.

But I don’t. Most days I am anxious. Most days I am tired. Most days I’m lonely. Most days I’m working. Most days I am struggling to feel anything at all.

But today wasn’t most days.

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Mental Health Awareness Day

Today is Mental Health Awareness Day, barely, we still have a few minutes here on the west coast, so I’m technically correct.

I’ve struggled with mental health. I had a full on mental break down in August of 2015. I quit my job, and started seeing a therapist, who I still see, and who I will send this too. Shoutout to Melissa, she’s awesome.

In 2015 I was tender and scared. I was far too anxious to publicly blog about these struggles. I’ve come a long way.

This time was also when my public facebook page, at the time called The Unpreschooler, started being neglected. I was too anxious about comments to continue posting.

I wanted to post something for today because this is an issue so near to my heart. I’ve been anxious, I’ve been depressed, I’ve been suicidal.

In this blog are the things I wrote while I was in those states.

I don’t struggle the same ways I did in 2015-17. I’m much healthier now. There are things I wrote about then that I don’t believe anymore. Yet, these posts are still me and are still important and I finally feel safe enough and healthy enough to share them.

My secret blog is no longer secret. You can go read the entire thing at https://simplelifepdxblog.wordpress.com/

I suggest reading it in chronological order, you can jump through the months on the right hand menu.

Peace to you.

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Together We are Stronger!

Like so many people out there, I hate asking for help.

There are times we must rely on our community though, and this is one of them.

I’ve stepped out to do something big and risky, and its taken much longer than expected. I’m starting a skatepark, it is happening. I have a partner who is loaning me the money to get the park started and fund it for the first few months.

We have the lease, but have no solid timeline on when we will be able to get in there and start building. The last update I received a week ago said the contractors were still waiting on a permit and thats why construction hadn’t begun yet. Once it begins they expect it will take 4-6 weeks to finish. I expect it to take at least 6-8 weeks.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned learned in this endeavor is that everything takes far longer than anyone admits. It drives me crazy.

I’m now finished earning the modest sum I was by doing some nannying this summer. I’m still doing deliveries, but summer is the slowest time of year for that market and even weekends can be incredibly slow.

I can’t give a commitment to any ongoing hour job, and I need several hours a week to work on the skatepark.

In short, I’m broke.

Some in my family believe I’m still sitting on a lot of money becuase I came into a trust at age 18.

I am incredibly blessed to be 31 and have no student loans becuase I used that money to pay for my own education as well as my husbands. The rest has gone into housing and helping us pay our bills in in hard times. Its gone. I have no savings now, only debt, and a good amount of it from this last year we’ve been paying our last few bills each month on credit cards in the hopes I would have an income soon. Our cards are maxed out.

I’m here asking you my friends and family, to help me pay my bills and buy my groceries so I can get though these next few lean months until the skatepark is open and I am able to start drawing a paycheck.

Any money given to the skatepark will be subjected to taxes whereas money gifted directly to me is tax free. The skatepark is well funded. I am not.

If you believe in what we are doing please help out by helping me pay my bills and keep food in my fridge while I work on this important endeavor!

TOGETHER WE ARE STRONGER!

paypal.me/AllisonJWaters

 

Thank you!

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Stuck

I feel like someone pressed the pause button on my life.

I’ve been working on the skatepark for over three years now, and multiple times have been close to signing a lease. Each time something has gone wrong.

I walked for so long with Oregon City landlords, trusting they would get things figured out. I pointed out all the problems from the beginning and was consistently dismissed by an old white man who reminded me of my grandfather. He had assumed he knew what he was doing becuase he’d done it before.

“The laws have changed” I repeated, “they are going to require surveys, and fire inspections, you will have to make these changes, it will take a lot of time and money.” He reassured me it would be fine and and I would be in the space soon.

Eventually it became clear I was correct, it was going to take several months of work and a lot of money. I walked away and told them to call me when the building was cleared for occupancy. I haven’t heard back.

I’m not sure the first time I went to the Milwakie space, but it was several months ago. This one is better. It is one big room, right about 5000 square feet. Its between a very similar family focused sports entertainment business, and a bottle drop facility. Neither will care that we are loud and both places attract lots of families. There is a coffee and ice cream shop in the parking lot. There is a pizza place in the same building. And best of all, its close to home.

But again, I’m being left hanging by the landlords who are dragging their feet. We’ve negotiated the lease, we got to a point we are all happy with. But we have yet to sign it. Its been weeks of hearing nothing.

This waiting is killing me. This lease is everything right now. Its so hard to know how much to work on the skatepark. I don’t want to put my time into this building only for them to drop us. I don’t want to start paying for things specific to this space until I’m sure its ours.

I’ve pushed my broker multiple times, she’s just as frustrated as I am. Or so she thinks.

For her this is just one deal, just one pay day. For me this is my life. My life on hold, my life with no income, my life just waiting. I want to do something. I can’t pick up anything new until I know how this chapter ends.

Its like I’m reading a book but the last chapter hasn’t been published yet, the author is just not sure how to end it. Except maybe I’m not reading it. I’m the protagonist, and they’ve left me at a climax with no resolution.

I’m not sure how to cope with this. Its like waiting to know if you’ve been accepted to the school with your dream program. Except there is a hard deadline for things like that. For this they can drag me along as long as they want. And they hold all the cards, while I’m here just waiting, hoping, dreaming, and stressing.

Again last night I was up for much of the night with this problem in my head. Should I be doing more? Should I be assuming  I will get this lease? Moving forward with plans and permits?

No. I did that before. It didn’t get us ahead enough to make any difference and wasted time and money in the process.

I have done some work, some big stuff. Reworked the business plan for our new financial situation and specific to this space.  I also talked to a prospective employee and she’s totally on board.

She’s an incredible person who I met pretty quickly after moving to Portland, at one of the only indoor skateparks around. She introduced me to Skate Like a Girl where we volunteered together and over the years we’ve gotten to know each other better.

Knowing she’s willing and excited not just to work for me, but take on a managerial role literally helps me sleep at night. Becuase I can’t do this alone. I need a team, and building that team is going to be one of the most crucial parts of this endeavor.

A few things are moving forward, but the biggest most important peice is just on hold and my whole life is on hold with it.

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“I’m Going to be a Writer!”

The past few months have been an exercise in patience as I wait for a potential space for Stronger Skatepark to be ready for occupancy. As of this writing there is no date in sight, as the owners of the space are slowly jumping though legal hoops before the city will grant them the permits to begin construction on the ADA bathrooms they need to be approved for occupancy. Long story short, this space will not be available for several months.

In the meantime I found another potential home for the park in Milwakie. It is much closer to my home and needs far less work before we can move in. This space has kept me up at night again, fully renewing my passion for this project. I can’t sleep becuase I’m designing ramps in my head, thinking of the best way to make a 7500 square foot space both friendly to beginners while being big enough and fast enough to keep veterans like myself entertained during the long winter months.

Its been a full two and half years since I started working on Stronger. Its been over a year since I started looking for buildings. I honestly thought that getting funding would be the hardest part, but it hasn’t been. Finding a building has been exponentially more difficult. Strict occupancy rules and high fees in Portland have pushed me to neighboring cities, where empty large spaces are in short supply.

I wax and wane in my involvement in my own social media for the project, feeling like a failure as I have nothing to post. I’m still here working away at this, but it just hasn’t materialized yet. Having the support of my ramp designer and builder has been absolutely key to my not giving up. As I apologize for dragging him to yet another space, and asking him so many of the same questions again, “Would this space work?”, “Can we fit a mini ramp in here?”, “Would we need to put in our own flooring?” he reassures me, “Its fine, I don’t mind at all!” and “I think you are doing this the right way, taking your time to find the right space.”

It doesn’t feel right to me, I want results, I want a tangible skatepark. The one that fills the gap Portland still has; something larger than commonwealth, friendly to beginners, clean, safe, and close to town, a place to hold contests and other community building events, a place where the skate community can gather under one roof, a place that can bring us together. “Together we are Stronger” thats the whole idea. This has been needed in Portland since before I lived here, since Department of Skateboarding closed its doors in 2010.

Along with the frustration of the slowness of my vision to materialize is my frustration that I don’t have a career to be working at while I’m waiting. In the past I’ve been a children’s pastor, a nanny, I’ve worked in my families restaurant, I worked in a skatepark as a teen, I’ve worked with animals in several capacities, and currently I’m hustling in that new gig economy, primarily delivering food with Caviar.

To be honest, I don’t hate it, I actually like it. I spend hours driving while listening to podcasts and music. I’m introverted and often feel refreshed after a shift, spending five or more hours almost totally alone, with only a few short words to restaurant employees and customers. I’ve learned that usually customers don’t want to talk to me, and that is just fine. But its not paying the bills, the hours are limited, and I’m working almost exclusively when my child is not in school, evenings and weekends.

While driving I often find my mind wandering away from whatever podcast is playing and I start thinking. I can spend a lot of time thinking, planning, finding problems with my plans and ideas and refining them and suddenly realize I need to start my podcast over completely. Gui Raz has been droning on in the background for thirty minutes about art art and I didn’t catch a damn thing, I’ve been exploring every career possibility in my head.

After a lot of thinking and probably not enough research I’ve decided to try and develop my writing skills and look for some freelance writing jobs. Its a skill I already have, and one I feel very comfortable in. One of my earliest jobs was writing for a website, with weekly live call-ins to an internet radio show. I was 13 and it was 1999. Each week I would write about something related to skateboarding, usually a review of a product sent to me, or an overview of an event happening at my local skatepark. I would report on demos coming to town, contest results, new skateparks opening, and I got paid in lots and lots of free stuff. I loved it.

In high school, I was consistently praised for “my natural wiring voice” and in college I continued to excel at writing, without trying all that hard. Honestly, I’m excited about taking some time to refine my writing skills further. I’m hoping that I can attempt to develop these skills and make some money along the way and maybe some day have a real career I can lean on when my crazy passions aren’t panning out as hoped.

Again, long story short, if anyone knows any writing gigs that would fit my interests and passions (skateboarding, alternative education, spirituality, personal growth, small business) please send them my way, or throw my name out there. I’d appreciate it. I’m officially throwing my name out there!

IMG_1718 (1)
I wear glasses now, so you know I fit that writer stereotype. 

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I am Sad

That’s a hard thing to accept, being sad. I’ve been taught my whole life that its no tOK to be sad. It’s weakness. It’s an inconvenience. You just don’t be sad. You be strong. Somehow these things can’t coexist. There is sadness and there is strength.

The problem is when you don’t allow sadness it becomes illness. I’ve done this my whole life without realizing it. I don’t allow myself to experience sadness in any healthy way. I let it build and build. And sometimes I will finally cry and cry and cry and sob. But more often I will withdraw. I will hide within myself until I feel nothing. And then I slip into depression and become of a shell of my true self.

This week has been that. At the same time I recognize that there are other factors at play. My hormones are making this week extra hard. I have really rough symptoms of PMS and PMDD sometimes, this month is one of them. I’ve had some insane dreams this week. In some of them I’ve been dying and those dreams are somehow comforting. Thats a weird thing to wake up feeling. Its hard to grapple with.

Right now I’m missing all the dates I had hoped for for Stronger Skatepark. Its not happening on schedule. At the same time I’m constantly refining the business plan as I learn more information and I’m watching the costs grow and realizing to do it well I’m going to need more financing. This is a hard thing to accept. Either, I’m going to get lucky and find a building that will have low costs from whatever jurisdiction I open up in and will need only a minimal build out, or I’m going to need to find a co-owner or another investor. This is hard to swallow.

I know its an absolutely insane comparison, but the one thing that brings me hope is looking at Elon Musk and his endeavors. He dreams big, real big, and nothing ever happens on schedule or on budget, but it happens. I see a Model S drive by me and I see so much more than a technological marvel thats going to change the world, I see his vision realized. Someday thats going to happen for me. Its not going to happen on time or on budget, but it will happen. Someday I will be putting our logo up on a building and bringing together my whole team of designers, builders, investors, friends, and supporters to build the park. And wherever it ends up its is going to change lives. It might not save the the world from carbon emissions or put us on Mars, but it may give a young person a second chance at life. It may convince a parent to let their child do what they love. It may provide someone who has never had community with a community where they can be accepted for who they are.

It is not happening on time and that makes me deeply sad.

I’m here dedicated to this to the point where I’m pushing myself to the edge financially and emotionally over it and its not happening like I’d hoped and planned. I am sad, and I’m letting myself feel it. I need to so I can move though the feelings and keep working toward the dream. I am sad and I am strong.

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I Remember Better Days

These days are hard days, but not the hardest of days. I remember worse, much worse days, but I also remember better days.

I’m in a good space with my mental health these days, which makes the challenges significantly easier to weather. Even my therapist was surprised with how level headed I was today. Things are objectively bad. The skatepark is going slow right now. There’s not much I can really do. Each day I look at buildings, most days there are no new ones. Often times there are one or two to look into. I e-mail the government that has jurisdiction, I email the relator. Usually I quickly get a “No” from one or both.

“This is zoned industrial, your use would not be allowed.”

“This space has already been leased”

“They are asked $20/sq. ft.”

It’s just closed door after closed door. It really gets me down. Then people leave comments on social media “Is anything actually ever going to happen with this skatepark?” Ouch. That hurts. Believe me, I’m way way more invested in this than you. There is literally no one as invested in this as much as me, except maybe my investor, but even they are only in 10% at this point. I’m in 110%, and then a little more. This is my life, my mission, my dream. My greatest fear is that I die before I see it to completion. I will look for buildings until I’m successful or I die. I will make this real, no matter how many ways I have to come at the problem. I’ll do it with or without you.

Then the fucking election. Just wow. I’ve been saying for several years that Hilary would be our next president, long before she even announced her campaign. It was clearly her next career move. She is smart and calculated. But she messed up, the DNC messed up. And their supremely unqualified opponent won. I don’t even think he thought he would win. Everyone is shocked.

I’m gonna be honest and say this has shaken me up. I had a panic attack when it was clear he had won. I’ve had three over the past two days. Thats more than I’ve had in several weeks. I’m legitimately scared for minorities in this country. Even if the president-elect does none of the awful things he’s promised, his victory has given racists everywhere permission to be openly racist. People are already meeting violence on the street simply for the way they look. This is not the country I thought it was. I’m deeply disturbed by this.

I’ve already decided that all I can do is whatever is in my power to bring peace. I’ve spent some time looking over why people voted for this man to try and understand better. I get some of it, but I don’t get prejudice. Its just extremely difficult for me to understand. All I can assume is that these people were raised this way. They certainly weren’t born that way. They must have experienced some trauma or some training to make them think that others are less than human. They were probably treated as less than human at some point in their own lives.

I’ve also made it my mission to stand with anyone who I can that is oppressed by these people.  The people who are now in danger are the people I must stand beside in whatever ways I can. I love them. How can I not? They are people too.

Stronger Skatepark is part of my personal mission to bring more peace into the world. A place where those of us who get our best therapy on wheels can come and feel peaceful again. A place where those who have no other community can find acceptance. A place of respect for all people. A place where we can learn to love one another.

Today is hard though, as that dream seems a million miles away, and it seems as though we’ve lost a lot of progress in this country towards peace. This place seems the least peaceful I’ve ever seen it. It’s scary.

Today all I can do is hold on to what we have right now that is still good and beautiful. I have music, I have skateboarding, I have friends, I have family, I have nature, I have sex, I have food, I have all these things and more that keep life worth living in the hardest days. Each time we seem to loose something, the only choice we have is to pick ourselves up and keep going; day in and day out. Tomorrow is another day. A day where I will do my best to find the good and beauty around me, a day where I will do whatever I can to stand with those who are oppressed, a day to be a force for peace instead of a force for division.

I hope you will do what you can to bring peace to the world.

Love wins.

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My name is Allison and I wrote this.

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Light House Church was a Great Experience

A lot of what I’m working on in therapy and on my own, is reframing the story of my life. In reexamining these events and phases of my life I find myself grieving things I’ve needed to grieve, celebrating things I never celebrated, and finding healing and peace for old wounds.

In the process of starting a business I find myself relying most heavily on my experience at Light House Church as the Children’s Program Director. I’m reading an excellent book right now entitled, “Do Cool Sh*t” by Miki Agrawal. I’m not finished with it, but I love it so far. In it she discusses three routes to bringing your idea to reality; the intrepreneurial approach (working from within an existing organization), the entrepreneurial approach (starting your own organization) and the philanthropic approach. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was essentially doing the philanthropic approach with Light House Church. The philanthropic approach says to find an organization that you support and lend them your skills, which helps you to develop your skills. Its a mutually beneficial arraignment.

I spent five years working on Light House Church aside several other people. I wasn’t a key decision maker as to the direction of the organization, but I was in charge of an entire department. When we were first starting out that simply looked like a list of things you need for childcare so we could have a very basic nursery. All I had to do was get the items and schedule volunteers. As time went on my job grew, soon we had a children’s church program. I designed the curriculum and taught it. I did everything at first, and still had the nursery to staff and maintain.

Soon I started having ideas of my own for more programs and events, so I made them happen, often on a shoestring budget. I’d organize almost everything for these events including, marketing, equipment, set up, volunteers, food, and clean up. The events varied pretty drastically in size and scope, some with 5 kids attending, some with nearly 100 kids. As the years went on this became a very time consuming job. They even started giving me a very small amount of money for all the work I was doing. All this while going to school and working at a doggy day care. I was busy, but I was rocking it.

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Eating ice cream with the kids on a Wednesday night in the summer. 

This experience of running the children’s programs at Light House Church was absolutely invaluable to who I am. I learned that I could do it. I could dream up a program or event and I could make it happen. I could do it even better when I had a good team on my side. I learned that I could learn a lot of skills all on my own. I managed a database, I made videos, I made power points, I crafted lessons, I crafted crafts, I created something from basically nothing. And now I’m going to do it again and I have my experience from Light House Church to lean on when I think I can’t do it.

When I watch videos of contests at WARP and think “There is no way I can do that. Its just too much, its too big, too many people, too many details,” I remember how “too big” didn’t stop me when I organized a community easter egg hunt for underserved kids or when I decided to do an even bigger christmas event or when I took on running Wednesday night programing on-top of Sunday morning programing. I’ve looked at “too big” and I’ve done it.

This next endeavor might be big, but I’m going to build a good team, and I’m going to do it. We’re going to change the Portland skate scene forever and I never could do it if it wasn’t for Light House Church.

This realization of how valuable Light House Church was for me is another reframing. There was so much hurt clouding my vision when I looked back on that experience. Choosing to leave my community was one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make, and the pain that followed that has been close to my heart for a long time.

I’ve come a long way since then and I can now see that experience for the valuable part of my life that it was. We did a lot cool stuff, heck, I did a lot of cool stuff and I’m really glad that I did.