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Being Present

Its so strange to me that being present in the moment is such a struggle. Its so blissful when you can be fully present in a good moment. Its incredibly deep when you can be fully present in a hard moment.

I struggle with being present. In my head I’m usually living in the future, worrying about what is to come. Sometimes I live in the past dwelling on what has already happened.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe planning for the future is essential, and that processing the past is valuable. But I have a tendency to put so much thought and effort into the future and the past that I struggle hard to be fully in the now. Or to be in the now at all.

Being mindful and being present are things I’m working on in my life. Taking out just 2-3 minutes to sit quietly and focus on nothing but my breath has been a challenge. I’ve been trying to do it for months now and I’m just starting to get the hang of it. My hope is to eventually work up to ten minutes of meditation everyday. It helps to clear out the plethora of worry that is constantly swirling around in my head and bring me back into the present moment. From there I can get a better sense of how I should go about my day.

Writing is another tool I use for mindfulness. Its hard to think of anything else when you are in the flow of writing. When I come this blog, I usually have a good idea of what I want to write. But even when I don’t have a good idea of what I want to write, I still write. I fill up my journal with all sorts of random writings.

When I write in my journal or in a notebook, I try to just go. I just write and let words flow. It doesn’t matter what they say really, once you get in a groove good things start to hit the page. It is a way to focus in on this moment. And in this moment of writing I can often also manage to process recent events or even plan for the future. When I do it though writing its a focused thing. Its not the same tangle of worries that clouds my mind and makes me anxious. Writing helps me to work though those things in an orderly way and come to a place of being present.

In addition to daily meditation I want to be writing daily or near daily. I hope to post on this site at least once a week. The topics will vary drastically, but they will all be things I’m thinking about. Alongside writing I’m working on not giving so many fucks about what other people think. I’ve been giving way too many fucks for way too long. I worry about what people will think of my parenting, or my clothes, or my home, or my writing. I shouldn’t let so much of my energy go to worrying about what others think. That effort is going to show here. Like it just did, when I used the word fuck. Its a good word, its a strong word. And sometimes you just need a really fucking strong word. I’m not going to censor myself to make other people comfortable. I’m not forcing anyone to read this.

So here I am, in my effort to be less anxious and more present, writing on this blog. You are welcome to take it or leave it. You are also welcome to take what you like and leave the rest behind. All I ask is that if you comment you remember that a real human being is on the other side reading it.

 

 

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Why I say “No” to Direct Sales

“Direct Sales” seem more popular than ever, and more in my face than ever. Some claim they are a great way for Moms to make money when they otherwise couldn’t. Maybe thats true, but the numbers say otherwise. There are countless articles on-line showing that on average people involved with direct sales only end up making about $2 per hour for their efforts, I don’t feel the need to argue that you aren’t going to make real money doing it. There are tons of much better options to work from home and be your own boss. Options that pay a living wage.

My beef is something else. My problem is the stress that “Direct Sales” put on personal relationships.

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I still vividly remember my first encounter with “Direct Sales,” I put direct sales in quotations becuase they are anything but direct. I was invited to a stamping party, by someone who I thought was my friend and wanted me to become a closer friend via this event. Stamping was not something I was interested in doing, but I went anyway becuase I valued the budding friendship. I had no idea I was in for a a bait-and-switch. Not once did the invite mention a company name or the word sale. I thought it was going to be friends sitting around participating in something together and sharing good conversation. Nope. It was essentially a class on how to use the products, which we were were then expected to buy at the end. I was outraged. I did my best to put on a happy face and sit though the sales pitch, but I refused to buy anything and my friends weren’t happy with my choice.

I’ve always been frugal. I don’t buy shit I don’t need. The last thing I would need or want was stamping supplies. Why did they invite me to the event in the first place? Becuase my money was of more value than our relationship. I as a person simply became a dollar sign to that friend. She got kickbacks for every dollar made off her party.

My first experience with direct sales was far from my last. Not long after that I had several friends get involved with Amway even declaring things like, “Just watch I’ll be retired in three years.” None of them are retired and I’m pretty sure they’ve all quit Amway since then. Around the same time I had some friends getting involved with Pampered Chef and Scentsy. Once again I learned that my money was more important than our friendship as I was invited to more sales pitches. I even once told a friend, “You don’t want me to come, I will eat the free food and not buy anything.” She assured me, “I’m sure you’ll find something to buy.” I went out of obligation. I didn’t buy anything. Why would I? I was a college student eating mostly fast food. I had no need for kitchen gadgets.

Today I cook and I cook a lot and I have a real need for good kitchen gear. Yet I would never buy from papered chef, because I know you get the best bang for you buck at restaurant supply stores. Thats where I buy most of my kitchen equipment, because I do research before almost every purchase. I don’t need a sales pitch becuase I do my research before I’m willing to hand over my money. I can also use the internet at anytime to order most items direct from the manufacture. That is real direct sales right there.

Direct sales companies are simply saving money though their model. By not having to pay for a retail storefront and not having to pay any employees a living wage, they get to keep a lot more of the money from each product. If they cared about their sales people, they would pay their sales people a steady income. When you are working direct sales, you are essentially a sales person paid on commission only. And since you are self employed instead of employed by a company you aren’t having any wages withheld for taxes and come tax season you are having to pay the entire burden yourself. As someone who is starting a business with a goal of paying my employees well this turns me off as well. I can’t feel good giving a company my money when they can’t bother to pay their sales people for their time.

Today I’m constantly barraged with invites to buy books, oils, clothing, cleaning supplies and more. Its hard. I don’t know how to handle it when I feel like I’ve just become a dollar sign to people.

Its even more strange to be in the process of starting a business and have this happening. I only post about my business in the way that it relates to my personal life. I don’t view my friends as customers, becuase my target market is much wider than my circle of friends. If no one from my friends list ever visit my business I would be just fine finically. I don’t want any kind of business that makes my friends into dollar signs.

The biggest reason I say no to direct sales is becuase it is harmful to relationships and that doesn’t sit well with me. If you are going to use social media to promote your direct sales, please, make a business page and invite me to like it. This give people a chance to be involved and follow you if they want without having to feel like they are simply the sum of what is in their wallet.

 

If you are looking for better ways to make money from home I highly recommend checking out the personal finance and small business subreddits. There are lots of great ideas on there that don’t involve working for a large company. I’d also suggest learning some digital skills. Learning photoshop or illustrator or web design is a great way to work for your self and make really significant income. Don’t sell yourself short with direct sales, there are so many better options!

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I’m going to be 30 soon?

Inspired by a facebook friend I decided to make a post that is the condensed version of my life story. Many of my friends are newer and may not know much about my past. Here is the fly-by version.

I lived in a little town nestled between big towns, known as of Lake in the Hills, Illinois. My parents were poor when I was little, but the little I remember from my very early life is pretty ok. My dad died tragically when I was only 4 and my sister wasn’t quite 2. The resulting lawsuit bumped up our families net worth and our little family of 3 moved to a new house in Algonquin and soon I was in public school.  After two terrible years of public school, I was moved to a catholic school, which was only slightly better. My school years were a weird mixture of good times and personal struggles. I was a total nerd and my only friends at school were the other nerds. We had good times. Outside of school I was friends with many of my cousins and we all played a lot of video games together.

We had a a lot death and tragedy in my family alongside my Mother’s chronic illness, that had her in and out of the hospital my entire life. Sometimes I would be randomly be picked up from school by my grandma or aunt or even my Mom’s friends I barely knew and they would care for us while mom was sick. Those times were really hard on me. I was in some kind of therapy on and off that I only remember hating. I struggled in school at times and at other times found school to be far too easy and boring. I would get A’s in half my subjects while being tutored so I could pass in the others.

I started skateboarding about age 12 when my maternal grandmother died and I got to spend some time with my older cousin who lived far away, but was in town for a while. I had seen skateboarding on TV and was drawn to it, but getting to skate with my cousin sealed it. I was hooked. I got a board and skated every moment I could for the next several years. Once I could skate ramps I lived at the local skateparks. Thanks to my neighbor I discovered WARP (skatepark) shortly after it opened and found a place where I felt I like I belonged. I spent my teen years at WARP or driving around to other parks and spots with my skater friends. When I was 14 we moved from Algonquin to rural Wonder Lake, IL. Not long after, my family doubled in size when my soon to be step-father moved in with my new siblings. I now had a second little sister and a younger brother, who became my live in skater friend.

I started in a Catholic High School, but after bullying and terrible teachers I moved to Woodstock High School. School was not a focus for me. I did enough to keep my parents and teachers happy, but was only invested in my music classes, in which I met this kid named Ace. We became friends though our various musical endeavors together. Life was busy between school, family, skating, and music. So why not add one more thing by going to the local evangelical youth group!? So that’s exactly what I did. And when I do things I do them hard. I was in deep really fast. They offered the deep kind of relationships I was missing and craving alongside answers to spiritual questions. My life really changed during my zealous Christian period. I quickly became part of the worship band and became a youth leader. By my senior year WARP had been sold to new owners with almost all of us who worked there quitting our jobs (I worked there as soon I was old enough to beg for a job, and boy did I beg). Youth group was my new community.

Ace and I had become close friends and started dating around the same time. After high school I went to one semester at NIU, then came home and did one semester at community college. Then I got a job (as a nanny for my pastor’s preschooler) and moved out. Ace and I had all sorts of drama in those years, and eventually he went away to school in Minneapolis and we kept dating long distance. After a year of working and doing some school on-line I decided to go to Bible College. Our youth pastor had started a new church, and I was very closely involved with that start-up. I was the kid’s person. I designed and organized the entire children’s program. I was on the fast track to becoming ordained. But Bible college had me deeply examining all my beliefs. I was deconstructing and rebuilding my theology and it wasn’t coming out how my church community had hoped. At the same time Ace was doing the same thing at a different school and every time he came to visit he would cause friction at church with his ever more progressive beliefs.

Ace came back from school for good and we got married in 2007. About a year later we were ready to move on from our church. Our beliefs just didn’t fit anymore. We couldn’t find anything remotely progressive or inclusive in our little town, so we just started inviting people over to have dinner and discussion in our (newer, bigger) home. It was pretty awesome. I could tell a lot of stories of what happened at Mosaic, but this is getting long already. Somewhere in there I graduated from school with my bachelors, got a bunch of dogs, worked at a doggy daycare, got my black belt in Tae Kwon Do, kept skating but not nearly as often and most importantly, my nephew was born!

Vincent’s birth was really what opened me up to having a kid sooner than I had originally planed. Ace and I wanted a baby and in 2010 he was born. It changed everything. I studied everything in depth and started radically changing my lifestyle to make it healthier for my baby. I quit eating sugar, I worked on cooking my own food more often. I stopped eating fast food. I learned how to love better than I’d ever loved in my life becuase I was in love with this tiny, fat, often screaming, human.

Ace had spent years working on and off in terrible retail jobs while never giving up on his music, but we needed something more stable, and Ace was considering opening a business. He even went back to school to learn the ins and outs of small business. His dream was a tea shop/small local venue. A safe space for young adults to share their art and get some drinks and snacks. But, did we want to be stuck in McHenry (which is where we lived now) for another 10 years? The answer was clearly “no”. So the search for a new home was on. Portland was quickly the front runner when we learned that my sister was considering a move to Portland as well.

Soon, both of our small families were packed into my car and visiting Portland. None of us wanted to go back to Illinois. We all took the next year figuring out how to move to Portland. In august 2012 we arrived in Portland for good. It was a new start, one we needed after the rough break-up with our old church. We wouldn’t have to run into people around town who would unintentionally break our hearts with the things they would say. McHenry was too small and too conservative for us to stay there, we felt like we didn’t fit. Here in Portland we fit.

Here there is a space for creatives like Ace. He decided to once again get a part time job and pursue his music. I tried to stay home with Mark, but we just couldn’t afford it for long, so soon I was sitting for friends and looking for another Nanny job. Luckily I found one that grew with me from 1 day a week, to 2, to 3, and sometimes 4. The job also grew from one child to two. It got hard, but I stuck with it for a long time and it allowed us to refinance our home and pay our bills. In the meantime Ace lost his part-time job and switched to music full-time. He’s now doing a combination of YouTube, original albums, cover albums, and freelance composition.

Last summer my job got to be more stress than I could handle. It was also becoming hard on Mark and it was clear that I needed to quit. Luckily I worked for awesome people and the timing worked well and I was able to leave without any hard feelings. We had a few really hard months and I had to sell a lot of stuff to help pay the bills while I wasn’t working. But by December Ace had found some more success with his music and since then we’ve been more financially stable.

I started doing childcare again this year, but I’m already moving away from it as I start my new business, Stronger Skatepark. Skateboarding has been the one constant in my life though all of this. I’ve been skating for 18 years now and here in Portland the skate scene is bigger and better than it ever was back in Illinois, even at its height in the early 2000’s. I’m passionate about helping kids get into skateboarding and helping parents support their kids. That’s why I’m devoting the next few years of my life to to this park. Portland needs it!

Next month I turn 30, and I feel like I’m finally really getting to know who I am. I’m not sure why it took so darn long, but I’m glad I’m here. And summing up 30 years in 1500 words isn’t too bad a skill. 😉

 

 

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SCORE Meeting

Today I met with my mentor matched with me though SCORE. Overall it went very well. I wish I had a longer list of questions prepared, but I had already solved most of the questions I sent in my initial e-mail last week!

I gave him an overview of my business and my plan, taught him a little bit about the skateboard industry and the market, and he had some good feedback. I was able to ask him the questions I had about planning for shrinkage and loss prevention in general. We talked about payroll, and the costs and benefits of hiring a payroll company. He explained the different roles a bookkeeper and account could play and how much of that I’m going to handle myself. He answered my questions about what steps I need an attorney for (not much). We talked a lot about various methods of inventory management and ideas for keeping inventory moving.

He seemed to think I was in a good place overall and thinks I’m doing things right. He suggested a few classes that might benefit me and I’ll be looking into those. He was glad to hear my reasons for doing what I am doing. We talked about people who want to start businesses simply for the reason of working for themselves. He told me about so many people who walk in the door and have no idea what they are doing, and how I wasn’t one of them.

If nothing else, I was glad for the conformation from someone who’s done it, that I’m doing it right.

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Stronger Skatepark

You may have seen me posting about wanting to start a skatepark for a while. Well, I’m doing it.

I have a business plan that I’ve put months of work into. I’ve read a lot of big books about small and big business, and spent more time than I care to admit educating myself though various resources on-line.

I’m ready to move forward and I’m taking steps. In addition to the self-education and the plan, I’ve been building a relationship with an excellent local ramp builder. He built the ramp in my garage and a lot of other fantastic projects here in Portland and around the world. I’m excited that he’s a part of the conversation from the beginning and already has an idea of my vision. Today I obtained my EIN and filed my business with the State of Oregon. I’m meeting with my new business mentor though SCORE on Tuesday morning and I have a few options for funding in the works.

My passion is skateboarding and the skate community. My goal is to support everyone in their perusal of what they love, starting with skateboarders. Skateboarders are often pegged as loners and outcasts, they are judged by what they love and not who they are. Skaters are painted as lawbreakers and vandals and are often treated as less than people. Often their only community is the skate community, and for some even making connections in the skate community can be hard. So many skaters are young, straight, and male. It’s easy to feel like you don’t belong if you aren’t a 14 year old boy.

I want to create a place where everyone belongs. Where you can feel connected regardless of age, gender identity, or sexual preference.

The name of the skatepark was inspired by the Gungor song, “We are Stronger.” The song is about the common thread of being human and the strength that comes from standing together as opposed to creating division.

“You and me
We’re the stuff of stars and dirt
With eyes to see

We are better together
We are the day and night
Together we are stronger
We are stronger”

I have a lot of very detailed plans for the business that I could talk about, but what’s more important to me than that is the goal of the business; To create a inclusive community of skateboarders, a place where those marginalized even by the skate community itself can be accepted. Just the simple fact that it will be a skatepark founded and managed by a woman will attest to that. Skateboarding is a boys game even more than almost any other sport/industry/lifestyle. But there is no reason it has to stay that way.

Doing things to the highest quality possible is incredibly important to me. That’s why this process doesn’t happen over night. Its been nearly a year since I decided to take this seriously, and a dream I’ve been thinking about since I was 15 years old. In addition to being inclusive, my park will be clean, modern, safe, and beautiful to look at. It will have a shop, with all sorts of great products, but more importantly, it will be filled with people. People who love skateboarding and who love seeing all sorts of other people loving skateboarding.

I’m looking for all kinds of support as I launch this labor of love. The most obvious is financial support. I’ll be running a Kickstarter campaign this summer where backers will receive free sessions, memberships, and other rewards for their support. If you wish to support me financially with a smaller amount, the Kickstarter will be the time to do that. If you are interested in investing in the business with a larger sum of money please email me at allisonw.cpst[AT]gmail.com. In addition to monetary support, I’m going to need moral support, and help with my everyday responsibilities. I’m happy to accept all support offered in these areas. I’ll also be looking for all sorts of help with design work, book keeping, and other things related directly to the business.

Thanks to all my friends and family who have supported me thus far. I’ve got a long road ahead of me, but rarely have I been so excited at the prospect of so much work!

Below is a link to my pitch built with Live Plan. This is but a tiny piece of the much larger business plan, but it can give you a good idea of the size and scope of the project.

https://pitch.liveplan.com/dYADS/ghuSw

I’ll be keeping people updated on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/Strongerskateparkpdx/

Much love, Allison.

 

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Solo Trip to San Fransisco (Part 1)

I’ve been dreaming of this trip for some time now. Imagining what it would be like to go somewhere new all on my own and spend some time by myself. At first I thought it would be one or two nights just outside Portland, but then I started looking at Amtrak. I love taking the train. Its so chill compared to flying or driving. Just show up, get on, and relax. No crazy security checks, no waiting for two hours, just get on the train and go. I soon realized that I didn’t want to go north and going south meant heading into the mountains, where it is cold and snowy. So eventually I decided to take the train past the cold mountains and into California. Southern California would have been ideal (so much awesome skating), but I didn’t want to have to sleep on the train for two nights. I eventually settled on San Fransisco. Once I saw this adorable room from which I am typing this, I was sold.

Instead of being completely alone I have two roommates and two house pets around. That means if I feel the need for some socializing its built in. I’ve also already called Ace twice. I miss him a lot. I thought I would miss Mark the most, but I miss Ace the most. I wish he could share my adventure with me. I wish he could see the sights, and smell the smells, and walk all over the neighborhood. But I know I need this. I can’t remember the last time I felt so free. I’m doing whatever I want. I’m making the decisions, and living with the consequences. I know the vacation wouldn’t be the same if he were here. There would inevitably be conflict, there would be give and take, and 99% of the time thats just fine. But right now, there is none of that and its a nice a break. I don’t have to worry about what shows I watch or what games I play. I don’t have to worry if Ace likes it or if its safe for Mark. Its a vacation just for me for the fist time ever.

On the train I mostly played my new 3Ds (a modern gameboy) that Ace gifted me before the trip. I had dinner with three wonderful woman, all older than my mother. Two were on their way to a weekend away with 8 other women in a tiny mountain hotel. They were very excited for a weekend of “wine and cards.” The other woman was traveling to see her daughter and grandchildren in Klamath Falls, where it is very cold and snowy. She kept complaining about how her daughter had to live in such a cold place and her granddaughter had such a cold hobby of ice skating. It was very lighthearted and sweet. After dinner I played more 3ds and read on my kindle. Sleep was elusive. It was very hard to sleep in the coach car. So bad that I’m going to see if they have any roomettes I can upgrade to for the ride home. I got less than 5 hours of sleep and it was very broken.

Despite the terrible sleep I woke up for the last time just before 7am excited for the day. The conductor soon told us we were ahead of schedule and had just a little over 30 minutes till our stop! There was water and palm trees and SUN outside! California!

Taking the bus transfer was simple enough and soon I was stepping off in a new city, with only a vague idea of where I was and how to get to where I needed to go. Instead of immediately figuring out transportation to the AirBnB like I planned I walked toward the water. I was free to go wherever I wanted, and I love being near water. After sitting by the water for a while, I decided to walk down the path. That led me to an incredible farmers market. I wish I could have bought my groceries there. It was hands down the best farmer’s market I have ever been too. Citrus, fresh veggies, and pasture raised meats as far as you could see. Everything was organic and fresh and of the highest quality. I paid an insane amount of money for a grilled cheese, sausage, and egg sandwich, but in the end it was worth it. It came with a fantastic side salad and kept me full almost all day.

I soon discovered I was at the “Ferry Building.” It was a good place to be becuase they had clean public bathrooms which can be hard to find in big cities. Soon enough I was ready to head to my lodgings, but “Super Bowl City” was in the way. Several city blocks were closed off and I had to take a long detour to find an entrance to the underground trains. Figuring out the trains was hard, and I’m sure I looked like an idiot when I couldn’t get the card to scan and let me in the station. We don’t have gates like that in Portland. You just get on. I never realized how spoiled I am by tri-met. Muni is so confusing and expensive and their phone app is garbage. Tri-met is wonderful and I’m much more thankful for that after today!

When I got off the train and came up from underground I really had no idea where I was, or where I was going. The compass in my phone wasn’t much help and I walked the wrong way down the street… pulling my heavy suitcase with my 30lb messenger bag on my back. It was pretty awful. Eventually I figured out I was going the wrong way and headed back. Only one more turn, but I got that turn wrong too and it took me three very long blocks to realize the numbers on the houses were going down and not up. I stopped and bought a bottle of water in a liquor store (they seem to be on every corner here, very different from Portland). After gulping down half the bottle I started off in the correct direction. Soon I was there, but my host was not. Didn’t matter to me, as long as I didn’t have to have my bag on my back anymore I was happy.

One I was checked in and done with the chit-chat I took a long nap. Over two hours. I felt like I was moving the whole time. After waking up groggy, I was ready to head out. I was out the door within 5 minutes of waking up and gave Ace a call while I looked for much needed caffeine. One matcha-latte and one (less than great) egg sandwich later I was reenergized and ready to explore. My only solid goal was to visit Bi-Rite, which was only a few blocks away. I’m glad I did, that place is awesome! So many incredible products all in one place. I bought myself a bag of pork rinds and looked up bookstores on my phone. There were three nearby. I found a park on the way and watched adults play dodgeball for a while. They have courts for dodgeball at the city park. Amazing.

Then I wandered to the bookstore, and after that just kept wandering. Mostly down Valencia St. There seemed to be a lot of cool stuff on that street. I went in a handful of stores, but mostly just walked. I read a lot of menus in windows and wished I had the time, money, and appetite to try all the food, but I wasn’t the least bit hungry. I took a ton of pictures on my phone. I walked and walked. Eventually I needed to find a grocery store and found a Whole Foods. It was the first place that didn’t feel foreign. It was nice to sit in a chair and drink a cold beverage after two hours of being on my feet. After that I headed back to my room and I’ve been relaxing ever since. I picked up some decent Chinese food at the end of the block and I’m drinking a local beer I picked up while I was at Whole Foods, Four Point Beer Co’s Villager IPA. Its much sweeter than a Portland IPA, but still nice and bitter.

This city shares a lot of values with Portland, but is very much its own city. The houses are a completely different style, they more are like the new homes everyone hates in Portland; skinny, tall, row houses. There is more food here. Amazing food is EVERYWHERE. You can’t escape it. There are four restaurants on this mostly residential block. In Portland the good food is only on the main roads. In this neighborhood (I have no idea what neighborhood I’m in), that is not the case at all. I’m excited to try more of the food tomorrow, and I hope to check out peir 39 and the Golden Gate Bridge. If I’m feeling spunky, I’ll walk it. If the weather is amazing, I’ll probably skate. For now, I’m looking forward to a full nights sleep not on a loud, bright, moving train.

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I Choose

Today is my eight day of yoga in a row. I’m proud of that. I can’t remember the last time I did anything eight days in a row. I rarely remember to take my vitamins eight days in a row. This is a real time commitment and real work, but its so good. The benefits are already huge.

I’ve struggled to find a mindfulness practice that works for me. I’ve been trying meditation for months, but each time I try its seems to fuel my anxiety more than help it. Body scans have been hell.”Notice the sensation” equals panic about the sensation. But yoga is different. It brings mindfulness to the body in a different way. It harkens me back to my days of martial arts. Being mindful of the pose and constantly working to fix it, but with the freedom to do what feels best is an incredible experience.

I’m on day eight of the Yoga Camp series on the YouTube Channel “Yoga With Adriene.” Its one of my favorite channels. The way she brings guidance while allowing and encouraging freedom in your own practice is wonderful. I did her 30 days of Yoga last year and it took me 3 months to get though it. This time I’m determined to do the videos each day as they come out, until I leave for my trip. Then I hope to finish the last two videos in San Fransisco.

What’s new with this series from the last is that she adds mantras. They aren’t the focus of the video, but its a very nice addition. I’ve used a few of them as journaling prompts already, but today I felt like writing publicly with today’s mantra, “I choose.”

I choose to live life in the slow lane; to have minimal commitments, leaving time to be with family and friends and alone with myself.

I choose to be an excellent steward of my resources including my time, property, and finances.

I choose to live a more mindful life; to slow down and focus on my breath and the world around me, to not get swept away in my own thoughts, but to curate them and to let go of the ones that don’t serve me.

I choose to be healthy; to eat healthy, to be active, to continue this yoga practice and my other healthy habits.

I choose to be peaceful and nonviolent; to communicate in the most peaceful ways possible, and in a calm loving manner, even when it is difficult.

I choose to give my best in everything I do; in writing, in parenting, in my work, in my care for my home and my family and my pets. I choose not to half-ass it.

I choose to read. I choose to be always finding new things to read to expand my center of knowledge and my experiences in ways I couldn’t otherwise. I choose to read widely and in varied genres.

I choose to have fun. I only have one wild life and I choose to experience the fullness that life has to offer though all sorts of experiences, hobbies, adventures, and games.

Most importantly, I choose to love. I choose to always be striving to love each person in my life the best I can and to keep learning what real selfless love looks like in my effort to come closer to it.

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On being introverted (Part 1?)

When I realized my life needed some work many months back a friend suggested I do some research into my personality. I did several tests of varying quality and came to the conclusion that I was introverted. I never really thought much about introversion vs. extroversion. I didn’t know what the difference really meant. I mean I have friends and like being around people right, Thats all extroversion really is, correct?

I’ve always had a wide circle of acquaintances in my adult life, but only a very few close friends. I usually have one or two best friends then two to three more close friends and then tons of friends who I’m only friends with on a surface level; people who I go to school or church with or share an interest with. I didn’t realize that only having a few close friends was a part of introversion, but it is. I don’t like letting people into my very innermost inner circle.

I also have learned that being introverted is why I do my best work in solitude. For example, I’m really struggling to write this while I watch two children right now, constantly losing my train of thought, but I won’t be alone until very late tonight so I have to deal with the constant noise of other people. At any moment Ace will walk in the room and just start talking to me, I’ll have to loose my entire train of thought at that point.

I’ve always been this way. I would sleep through classes in school and stay up doing my work alone in my room late into the night, until I felt it was good enough (good enough was a wide range depending on the class and my investment in the class). In college this translated to a lot of late nights alone. I actually loved my one semester in my dorm becuase my roommate was never around. I could go downstairs and get cheap easy food and then stay up late into the night working. When I was ready for a break I’d play some counter-strike on the schools high speed internet, which is something I had never had access to before. Part of me regrets not living alone longer. After one semester I was back at home because I already knew that NIU was a waste of time of money. The program I was in wasn’t what I wanted.

I didn’t live at home long though, I had experienced living away from my loud crazy home and wanted more. I started looking at apartments but my Mom thought apartments were a waste of money, “We have the money for the downpayment so you need to buy.” That sounded good at the time and ended up being a terrible decision that left me pretty broke later (but thats a story for another time). I didn’t feel right about living in a 2 bedroom condo by myself so I quickly invited one of my best friends to be my roommate. That didn’t last long, soon she was getting married and getting an apartment with her new husband. I had a very short time alone before Ace moved in. Not long after that we had our first roommate, we had roommates for the following five years, until we moved to Portland and purposefully bought a house too small to share with roommates.

In all these years I didn’t understand my introversion. I had a love/hate relationship with roommates. I hated the constant flow of people in and out of our second home. But I also loved it. We were a safe place for young people to gather and hang out, but I was so rarely alone. I kept my office a safe space. I could close myself off in there and work on long papers for school or just hide. Our large bedroom was also a sanctuary of sorts, when Mark was born I got a TV and spent many long hours holding him and watching TV from my new armchair. I went a little insane at that point from having no time alone at all. But having a baby that doesn’t sleep will drive anyone insane. We all went a little insane.

I didn’t intend this to be a history of my living situations when I sat down to write, but thats what can happen sometimes when you write. You find yourself in places you didn’t expect to go, but its good, you follow the trail where it leads.

I’m now living in Portland with only my family. I love them, I love them so much. But even this can be hard for me. I need alone time. I didn’t recognize this before, but I do now. This is what introversion is. Its a strong need for that alone time. We introverts need to be alone to recharge, to connect with our true selves, and to do our best work. I didn’t realize until recently how vital this was to my well being. I can’t be my best and be with kids 24/7. I need time alone to read, write, think, and just breath. I need it regularly and in larger doses than extroverts. I crave solitude, and have always struggled to find it, at least now I’m beginning to understand just how deep my need for it is.

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Why I love the Library

I enter the door to near silence. There are all types of people here. People spanning various ages, backgrounds, and socioeconomic status.There are a few people in line to talk to the front desk librarian, she speaks softly and helps people find what they need and takes fine payments. There are always people crowded around the newest books, I skip over those becuase I don’t trust them yet. I prefer the tried and true books that have made it to the ongoing collection. There are plenty of books that are not being crowded around.

There are parents quietly reading to their children in the children’s section while I browse the beginning reader books looking for a “Fly Guy” or “Elephant and Piggie” book we have yet to read. I find one and grab it. I scan the “Captain Awesome” books, looking for the second installation while secretly hoping its not there becuase I didn’t much care for the first one, its not.

I walk back towards the non-fiction books and start browsing. I don’t know what I want, I just want more books to read. I love that I can take as much time as I want and no one cares. I can take a book off the shelf and read as much or as little as I want. It’s already as much mine as it will ever be.

A man passes me by in the cramped aisle and says “Hello.” I let out an awkward, “Hi.” I wasn’t expecting to have to talk to anyone during this visit. I tell myself a nod would have sufficed. I never know what to do in those kind of situations. I come here as much for silence as I do for the books. Often I wish for a place like the Diogenes Club (but of course more inclusive), but I have yet to find anywhere more quiet than my own home home when my son is asleep. The library is the best I have found so far, for now it has to suffice, even if people talk to me every once in a while.

There are lots of people in the back clicking away at computers.  They are mostly quiet and I don’t mind them at all. I’m glad for a place where anyone can access technology and the internet. The computers are always full. I’m not here for the computers.

As I round the next aisle I have one book in my hand, but I don’t feel finished yet, so I keep walking and very slowly browsing titles. Memoir, poetry, history, biography, sports; finally I get to the books about writing books and find another title that seems like the right choice for today. I’m surprised to find a book by an author I just recently discovered on a similar trip to Powell’s where I spent lots of time browsing. Since I’m almost finished with that book, this is the perfect choice. It seems I will be reading this authors works in reverse chronological order. Thats fine by me. I enjoy reading things in the unintended order sometimes, it gives you an entirely different perspective then reading them in the “correct” order. Sometimes thats just the perspective you need.

Between my three finds and my three holds I have a good stack to check out. I’m thankful for the computer that allows me to do so without bothering the librarian (they are always busy) and without needing to speak a word to anyone. I check out my books, renew the four others that I choose not to return on this trip, and head out the door off to “The Friendliest Store in Town” where I will have to do far more talking than is necessary to buy groceries.

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What does it mean?

What does, “Living Small and Large” mean? Well frankly, I have no idea. I just typed in things that sounded cool until one of them was actually available.

Even so, I think the title is fitting. We are a family trying to find balance. We moved from a big house in a small town, to a small house in a big town. We have a huge yard and a huge dog. I’m pretty small and so are three of my other dogs. We are a two adult household with only one car, but its a big one. When we do something we go all in, we do it up, but at the same time we value simple living and quiet time at home.

We try to live big on a small budget. I budget and track every dollar we make and spend. This makes our small incomes go so much further (I love YNAB). We live big on a small budget by eating mostly at home, but not eating garbage. We spend our grocery budget on good stuff; lots of seasonal produce, pasture raised animal products, and high quality treats (that 80% dark chocolate is calling to me). We try to keep eating out to a minimum becuase the $25 dollars we spent on a pizza tonight can go so much further at the grocery store, even at an expensive store like New Seasons. But some nights I come home and Ace is in the middle of a deep cleaning project and the house is torn apart and we order a pizza. Its ok, I budgeted for a few of those nights.

We try hard to not waste time and money on things that aren’t important to us. We keep life simple, expect in the areas that are our passions. We eat off of handed down mismatched plates and bowls. I’ve only bought a few pieces of dinnerware in my life. Pretty much only the time when all the bowls were broken and I was going to IKEA anyway, so I grabbed two cheap bowls. We drink out of mason jars becuase they only cost one dollar each and they don’t break as easily as most glasses. We just don’t value those things. It doesn’t matter what my plates look like or what they cost? Do they hold food? Works for me!

We feel that way about most household things. The desk and chair I’m using were $20 (for both) at goodwill. Our living room table was $6 and was one of my best finds. When it comes to consumer electronics though we go for quality. This laptop was over two thousand dollars, but its 10 year old this year, and still runs great. It can’t play Cities:Skylines, but I can live with that. If I had bought a cheap laptop I’d have broken at least five of them by now. We are careful about our value to dollar ratio.

We do it up when it comes to our real passions. Ace has a studio full of instruments. I’m not even going to try and count or list them all. Just go watch a few of his videos and you will see what I mean. We have relatively large collections of movies, video games, books, and music. I spent about a grand building a mini ramp in my garage for skateboarding. When its something thats really important to us we do what we can to live large! When it comes to everything else though, we live small and I really like it that way. The title of the blog was picked on a whim, yet somehow it very accurately depicts our lives.