The end of the year is fast approaching. Today is Christmas and I’m feeling a lot of things.
The most prominent feeling is one of needing to reconnect with my creative side. I crave singing and writing. I just want to keep driving and keep singing. My car is currently the only place I feel comfortable singing. My voice is not the way it used to be. I have trouble controlling it and using it in a way that sounds correct. But it still feels good to sing so I keep singing.
All Christmas season I’ve been singing my favorite Christmas songs and this year especially I’m drawn to hymns.
I’ve been listening to Sufjan Stevens Christmas albums and growing in my appreciation for them. He was raised religious as I was, but is not openly Christian anymore. His music is not made for or marketed towards Christians which makes it feel safe. It lets me connect with a tradition that went from being a huge part of my life to one that later felt unsafe. It is now a more neutral place.
I do not believe in a Christian God or any God that is meddling in human affairs in any way. I don’t know what I believe, and I’m finally ok with that. I’m simply here trying to stay connected to my Christian and Catholic traditions while not being religious and that’s a tricky thing to do.
Every Christmas is hard for its own reasons, this year is hard because I’m watching a genocide happening live on instagram. A genocide in the exact region where Christ was born, lived, and died. A region that has seen instability for as long as we have history for, but rarely on this level. Over 20,000 civilians have been killed in a short time, in a small area.
I don’t know a lot about Gaza and the Palestinians who live there, but I’m learning. I want to know more about the people who are being so brutally killed and maimed. The people who are being told “Go South!” and then being bombed as they walk, carrying as much as they can, as far south as they can manage.
This Christmas they are mourning their dead and tending to the wounded. While much of the word gathers around overflowing tables in warm peaceful homes.
This morning I woke with them in my dreams. The juxtaposition laid out clearly before me. My wife and I were enjoying life in a fancy high rise building, and we looked out the window and in front of us were buildings being bombed and collapsing. Helicopters above, their search lights looking for survivors to shoot down.
Then I was woken up and told “Come out, your son is waiting to open presents!” How can I when so many parents on the other side of the world are in despair? Their children brutally and violently taken from them. Some survive, but will never be the same; damaged physically and psychically forever.
I find I can not stop singing “O’ Holy Night” which ends with the truest of Gospels.
Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is Peace
Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother
And in His name, all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we
Let all within us Praise His Holy name.
The tradition of celebrating this man Jesus, who preached love and peace, comes in a lot of flavors. My favorite flavor of this tradition is one that is looking for freedom from oppression for all people now, here, on earth, today.
Freedom for every Christian, every Jew, every Muslim, every child, every Palestinian in Gaza and around the world. Freedom for all. Chains broken, and end to all oppression.
We will not see this freedom until we are able to end violent government regimes. Violent governments like the ones in Israel, The United States, Russia, and more,
Many of the same exact issues Jesus was preaching against in his time walking through the lands we now call Palestine, Gaza, and Israel are the same things we are facing today. People in power, political and religious leaders, using their power to oppress, to control, to gain wealth, land, and fame. And yet the biggest supporters of this current genocide in that regions are Christians.
They claim his name, yet they don’t understand his message. They have ears but do not hear.
It’s so deeply disheartening to simply be one person trying to balance joy and despair. Trying to hold the love of my friends and family close to my heart. To grieve my own personal losses this year and also holding this unjust war in my heart and mind. I can post, I can donate, I can email politicians, but it doesn’t feel like it will ever be enough or actually make change. My power is so small compared to the power of whole governments.
I try to remember that when enough of the population believes strongly in a cause change does come, and even slow change is still change. I can’t lose heart. I need this joy and love of Christmas to feed my spirit so I can keep showing up for those who are fighting to simply survive. It’s ok to take a moment to enjoy my family, to enjoy the food, the drinks, the lights, the movies, and all the wonderful parts of this my favorite time of year, Christmas time.
The world is non-binary. We can hold multiple truths at once. The world is a beautiful, joyous place filled with wonderful things, and there are atrocities large and small happening in real time all over the world that we all need to work together to end.
One of the most powerful things we as humans can do is find joy in the darkness. On these the shortest days of the year we light up our homes and streets with lights and candles and we find there is much to celebrate even among the darkness. Humans have been celebrating during the dark days of winter for as long as they have walked the planet. This is a tradition that goes deeper than I understand, even if the exact traditions change over the years and millenia.
This year I am struggling, but yet I am finding there is room in my heart and soul to hold all these truths at once.
May you also find space in yourself for both mourning and joy. For pain and celebration. For darkness and light. For love and longing.
Don’t give up. The world needs you.