As I move ever closer to my transition goals, my top surgery, my name change, the increasing effects of testosterone, it seems I become more comfortable in who I am and experience less dysphoria. This lessening of dysphoria has me feeling more doubt. If I’m so comfortable, do I really need these things?
Suddenly the few places I need to use my old name still don’t bother me so much. Does that mean I never should have changed it in the first place? Or am I just content that knowing within a few months it will be essentially erased from most people’s memories and most legal documents. Is the light at the end of the tunnel making the remainder of the tunnel more bearable?
There is a peacefulness I feel some days that is what I imagine most cis people live with all the time. I’m increasingly comfortable in my body, my name, my identity. I love myself. I like being me. I like being a guy, a man, a queer man, a non-binary man. I’m becoming comfortable enough that those daily little annoyances of hearing my old name, or being called “she” just bounce off a little easier.
This peace and love makes me question if I needed all this hard work the past year and a half. All the sudden, I’m wondering if I should back out of top surgery. Yet I still work hard each day to make my chest as small as possible.
It’s strange that this happiness and doubt come hand in hand. But if you handed me my 2017 body and name and asked me if I would be just as happy with that I would shudder in discomfort.
I’ve just come so fucking far since spring of 2019 when I first started realizing I was trans. I’ve come so far. Sometimes I just need to take a big deep breath and sit in that accomplishment.
Coming out may have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. So hard I didn’t even do it all at once. I did it extremely slowly over about a 6 month period. But by October 2019 most people who knew me knew I was trans. Its a year later now.
I’ve made it this far and now I have another big step ahead of me.
My top surgery is October 6th. Thats 11 days from right now.
I’m scared and I’m ready.
See ya’ll on the other side, as literally a new man.