It’s fall in Portland and the rain is back, earlier than usual. It’s only September 9th and its rained for the past few days. There was even a small tornado yesterday. Fall is here, and with it, deep breaths.
I have some room to breath again. I made it through the first summer at the skatepark. Fourteen hour days, and seventy hour weeks. Camp was hard, but it kept the park open through the summer. Next summer will be even better.
I have space to make time for my child, and dishes, and reading, and writing. I’ve actually been writing much more the last two weeks, finally! It’s been a long summer of barely surviving; not enough sleep, no time for myself, and no energy to help at home. But here I am with a new balance. The park is doing ok, and I’m doing ok too.
Alongside running summer camp I was dealing with my own internal crisis of gender. It was in May when it first hit, a few experinces plus reading a book (Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe) had me questioning everything I thought I knew. I was exposed to new ideas and new terms in my journey of becoming a better LGBTQ Ally. Terms like “gender queer” and “non-binary”. I also read more stories of trans people, and through it all I realized, I’m one of them.
I’m not-cis.
I don’t have to fight to stay in the box. Even though this has been incredibly difficult it’s mostly been freeing.
It’s terrifying to question who you are at your core and that’s exactly what I was doing. It has been a harder change than losing my faith or discovering I was autistic. This wrecked me. I’m still scared. Most people don’t get it. I haven’t told all that many people yet, or maybe I have. I don’t tell strangers. I don’t have the energy to explain myself to them. When it comes down to practical day to day stuff I still walk though the world like a woman. But I’ve stopped forcing myself to feel like one on the inside. Which is hard to explain, unless you’ve experienced it.
I’ve always felt like I was trying to fill a role, and doing a really bad job at it. This role of “Girl” and “Woman” was a part I felt like I was required to play. Over the years I’ve slowly let go of many of the pieces, but internally, even if I was breaking many gender roles, I still felt like I was trapped in a box. A box that isn’t right. I’m not a girl. I’m not sure if I’m a boy. I often felt deeply jealous at all the boys around me as a child, but I’m not sure that I’m “binary trans.” But I know for sure I am not a cis-woman, thats why I really like the broad label of “non-binary.” I don’t fit in the binary. I’m something other.
I don’t feel like playing teacher, you can go learn for yourself that this type of gender is not really new. There have been genders outside the binary for basically as long as there have been people. It was the rigid gender roles of the first half of the 20th century that worked so well to erase anyone outside the cisgender and heterosexual “norm.”
There has been a big shift in trans visibility in the past few years (in that it exists) and this is feeding itself. As more people are exposed to these ideas more people can find their own identities, including myself. I don’t think I knew any out trans people until I was an adult. The only gender bending I saw as a child were butch lesbians and gay men in drag. I didn’t feel gay my (extremely rare) childhood crushes were all on boys, so I didn’t feel like I fit in the lesbian box so many people put me in as a child and young person.
Over the past few years I’ve been exposed to an increasing number of trans and non-binary people and I’ve found myself drawn to them in an unexplainable way. Not a crush, but more like a friend crush. I want to get to know them and hear their experiences. Maybe I’m weird, but It felt like and unspoken kinship. Each of these people has been instrumental in my own path of self-understanding and acceptance, because this hasn’t been easy. Figuring out you aren’t cis is an ugly slap in the face. You have to look at yourself and realize you are different from a lot of people and that with that is going to come some really hard shit. And you have the choice to affirm what you know is real or to deny it and suffer in silence as to not cause trouble for your family and community.
With my own slow self-acceptance has come hardships. Having to come out over and over again is really hard. I hate being vulnerable, and I hate having to explain things to people that are so intimate. I never had to explain my gender before, why should I have to now?
I’ve been really quiet in most spaces about what I am going through, and my own preferences. I don’t want to cause trouble. I don’t want to ask people to change what pronouns they use for me, even harder is asking for people to use another name.
I just don’t feel like my birth name and pronouns line up with who I am. They don’t fit, it’s like a shirt I grew out of. I can wear it if I have too, but its not comfortable, and all day I’m reminded that I should really put on another one.
At the same time I love my name because it was given to me by my parents. My name is one of the only things my dad gave me.
That’s why for now I’m starting to ask people to start calling me A.J. my first two initials. It honors my parents and grandparents, but feels so much more comfortable. I’ve also started asking people to use “They/Them” pronouns and switched them in all my bios several weeks ago.
I’ve actually played around with this version of my name in my head my whole life. I’ve always liked it, much more than the nicknames I’ve been given over the years to the point I’ve often thought about using it for a child. But now I’m finally going to claim it for myself, because my comfort and well being do matter.
My name is A.J. and I’m non-binary.
