Today I was caught off guard by a big shift in hormones.
I didn’t want to get out of bed, wanted to stay forever just cuddling with my dogs.
When I finally did get up, I forgot to take my meds which is abnormal (I did eventually take them). I got dressed and tried to fix my hair. I got frustrated and gave up. I feel uncomfortable becuase I don’t like the way my hair looks/feels today.
Eventually I ate breakfast. I sat on my computer for a while. Kids arrived. I sat in the living room with the kids for a while. They have all been happy playing since they got here.
I went back to my computer where I decided to look up every house I’ve ever lived in. Most of the look radically different now. Thank God there are not new pictures of our last home as it was hard enough to see it how we left it. That one was hardest to see, it’s where I raised my baby. His crib was in one of the pictures.
I’ve been feeling intensely sad and irritable today. Yesterday I felt great. I was full of energy and happy and got so much done. Today I just want to cry and go to sleep.
It took me several hours to think about checking where I was in my cycle. My period is due in a few days. At least it only took me a few hours this time.
Sometimes after days of feeling intensely sad/angry/depressed/overwhelmed Ace is the one to ask where I am. He noticed this pattern long before I did.
The upside to this being part of a cycle is that it will end. The downside is that it comes every damn month, but its not always so bad. Some months are pretty easy.
Others are horrible.
Horrible isn’t a strong enough word. In the past its at its worse I would experience meltdowns of epic preparations.
Today its not that bad. It hasn’t been that bad in years. But sometimes it lasts much longer. I recently found out that I have a fibroid. One of the symptoms is irregular menstrual cycles. Last month that meant that I was in this PMS-y state for a long time while wondering if I had somehow beaten the odds and gotten miraculously pregnant.
I’m hoping this month I have a normal cycle and and not an extra two weeks of waiting for relief.
I’ve been told that PMS isn’t real and that makes me frustrated as I’m living it. Its always been a hard thing for me and was especially painful when I was a teen. These days its the sensory and emotional side that gets me hard.
All my sensory challenges turn up to maximum at this point and it feeds the already hard to manage emotions. I really struggle and my preferred way to deal with it is to be alone, then I know I can’t say or do anything to hurt or upset anyone.
All my weird tics and stims get stronger too. I wiggle around and chew, chew, chew. Sometimes I hurt myself accidentally by chewing my mouth or nails too much. Sometimes I just feel the need to flop around like magicarp. But thats not exactly a normal and acceptable behavior. It just makes me feel better.
I feel isolated and misunderstood. And all this just comes out of nowhere like a fucking thunderstorm. Maybe if I had been paying attention I would have seen it coming, but that wouldn’t have prevented it.
Its just me in my own body and brain dealing with what I deal with every. single. month. When everything gets really hard. And things slow down. And I’m just here. Alone. Feeling broken.